I had a good visit with Amirah today. I really needed it too. Last night I was an emotional wreck. I was feeling sorry for myself...feeling sorry for Andy....feeling sorry for Amirah... generally just feeling sorry. I cried A LOT. I was feeling angry and then I would feel guilty for feeling angry and then I would feel sad and then I would feel angry...It was a horrible spiral of bad emotions.
But, today was a new day. I try to wake each day and be grateful for all that we have. I went to visit Amirah right after work. She was up and content. I held her for about 1 1/2 hours. She dozed in my arms. I watched as brief smiles would flicker across her face as she lay in my arms and I was happy.
While I still feel like I am on the edge emotionally, I do feel more calm today. Amirah had the best blood gas she has ever had last night. Her doctor told me today that he thinks her lungs have really started to "open up". This means that it's working... the trach, the medication, the time its taken.
We still have an unknown amount of time in the hospital (she will be moving from the NICU to a children's hospital for rehabilitation in about 2 weeks). We have no idea how long it will be until she get's to come home, but I am going to be speaking with some other parents that have babies that were trached next week. I am hoping to get a sense of what our lives might look like while she is getting weaned off the oxygen machines and learns to eat from a bottle.
That's really all for now...it seems like things are moving slowing but I am relieved that they are moving in the direction of coming home.
Thank you for the continued prayers, love and thoughts. I don't think that we can ever express how much it means to us.
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